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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27394765">the lake of pure intention</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/exbeekeeper/pseuds/exbeekeeper'>exbeekeeper</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Persona 5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Akekita Week, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, both of them are touch-starved</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 00:27:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,427</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27394765</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/exbeekeeper/pseuds/exbeekeeper</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>AkeKita week day 5: Sword / <b>Shield</b></p><p>The years after he doesn't die soften Goro's jagged edges until he is approximately human. He's grateful that Yusuke is strange enough himself that he cannot tell the difference, or perhaps even strange enough that he loves Goro regardless. </p><p>(or: Yusuke falls asleep. Goro falls further in love.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akechi Goro &amp; Phantom Thieves of Hearts, Akechi Goro/Kitagawa Yusuke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Akekita Week</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the lake of pure intention</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>title comes from oh my violence by lady lamb &lt;3 </p><p>"Now there is no greater challenge than taming my violence<br/>Living with it long enough to rid it<br/>In the lake of pure intention, in the wilderness of forgiveness<br/>I'll show it compassion<br/>I'll pull it to me 'til we both fall asleep"</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Goro hadn’t really been sure what to expect from dating Yusuke when he’d accepted his confession all those months ago. It’s not like he had any experience to begin with, and he gets the sense that with Yusuke that wouldn’t have mattered much anyway; everything Yusuke does is so uniquely <i>him</i> it sometimes makes Goro’s chest hurt. </p><p>He certainly hadn’t expected Yusuke to be so <i>tactile</i>. He’d seemed so composed from the outside that it was hard to imagine him gravitating towards another person’s touch, seeking it out.</p><p>Then again, Goro supposes the same could be said about him, and for him it couldn’t be farther from the truth. So perhaps, then, he <i>should</i> have expected it: the way Yusuke is always reaching out, always pressing their palms together, always leaning against his chest, resting his forehead in the crook of Goro’s neck, slinging his long legs up over Goro’s lap. </p><p>“Madarame was not ... a hands-on parent,” Yusuke had said, one day, plastered to Goro’s side on their secondhand couch, Goro’s arm around his shoulders. “He never – I don’t –” Yusuke shuddered, burrowed closer. </p><p>Goro clenched his fists and wished he’d strangled Madarame’s shadow when he had the chance. </p><p>The thought passed. Goro ran a hand lazily through Yusuke’s hair – longer, now that they’re a bit older– while he collected his thoughts. </p><p>Eventually Yusuke spoke again: “I don’t think he ever held me. Even once. Or – or put a hand on my head. Never in kindness. I– I never knew. How badly I wanted it, until I met the others.” He hid his face deeper in Goro’s sweater. “Until I met you.” </p><p>And Goro had understood. Until Yusuke he hadn’t been held since his mother died; since before, probably. He’d spent so <i>long</i> desperate not to want it that it had nearly ruined him, and then – then Yusuke had offered him a hug. Had said, “I’m told they’re medicinal. You seem troubled, Akechi-kun,” and folded him in his arms like it was nothing, like it wasn’t everything. </p><p>A piece of popcorn hits Goro in the side of the head, snapping him out of his thoughts in an instant. He blinks; he’d almost forgotten where they were. Huddled together around Makoto and Haru’s TV in their apartment, the rest of the former phantom thieves watching the movie and chatting quietly with each other. </p><p>All except one. It’s Futaba, of course, perched like a gargoyle on the ottoman next to them, and he shoots her a murderous glare. She opens her mouth to speak; Goro draws a finger across his throat. </p><p>It is a fact that Yusuke doesn’t sleep enough. He’s working through his third year at a prestigious art school, and it seems like every moment of his life is a whirlwind of sketching or painting or thinking about what to paint or becoming frustrated over being unable to paint, and more often than not he’s lucky to doze fitfully for a few hours before waking up and doing it all over again. No matter what Goro does, getting Yusuke to relax is an uphill battle more days than not. The past week has been especially bad: Goro’s pretty sure it’s been actual days since Yusuke got so much as a wink of sleep.</p><p>So Yusuke, curled here in his lap on Makoto and Haru’s couch, arms wrapped loosely around his waist, is Goro’s <i>number one priority</i>. He hasn’t been serious about murder in years, but he’s genuinely willing to kill the person who wakes Yusuke up right now. </p><p>Yusuke snuffles softly. Goro feels the warmth of his breath against his skin. Futaba regards them, then rolls her eyes and looks back down at her phone. Goro thinks – hopes, maybe – that this will be the end of it, but after a moment his phone – and every other phone in the room – lights up. Futaba meets his glare and sticks out her tongue at him. </p><p>Carefully, Goro reaches for his phone. </p><p><b>★ the phantom washouts ★</b><br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> lmaooo look at these catboys<br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> <span class="u">IMG_2453.jpg</span></p><p>Goro squints at the picture. It’s grainy and dark – they’ve got the lights dimmed low for their movie night – but the light from the TV illuminates them softly. Most of Yusuke’s face is hidden, save for his mouth, parted slightly in sleep, his hands resting on Goro’s sides. Goro himself has one hand on Yusuke’s waist, the other buried in his hair, gazing down through his lashes at Yusuke more tenderly than he’s ever looked at anything. Goro didn’t even know he was capable of looking that soft.  </p><p><b>FOR REAL?!:</b> Yooo<br/>
<b>FOR REAL?!:</b> Since when does akechi make faces like that<br/>
<b>god has let me live another day:</b> I would advise you all to delete this image from your devices.<br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> lol no fucking way are you KIDDING<br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> this is a frankly UNPRECEDENTED lvl of blackmail<br/>
<b>Makoto:</b> Futaba.<br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> yes<br/>
<b>Makoto:</b> Don’t do this.<br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> hm<br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> whaaat<br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> will u give me if i cease and desist<br/>
<b>Makoto:</b> Futaba…<br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> yes makoto<br/>
<b>Makoto:</b> Akechi, you don’t want to bribe her yourself?  </p><p>Goro snorts, meets Makoto’s incredulous look with a smirk of his own. </p><p><b>god has let me live another day:</b> You’re going to do it for the sake of keeping the peace even if I don’t, right?<br/>
<b>god has let me live another day:</b> Why would I?<br/>
<b>Makoto:</b> Ugh. You’re all awful.<br/>
<b>Makoto:</b> Futaba, I will buy you ONE video game, not to exceed 1,500¥.<br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> you drive a hard bargain<br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> fine consider it gone! wiped from the face of the earth, never to be seen again!</p><p>Goro… sort of panics, embarrassingly. “Wait,” he exclaims, out loud, into the open air. </p><p>On his lap, Yusuke stirs, which, <i>shit</i>, the whole <i>point</i> of this was to let him sleep. Goro holds very still; Yusuke makes a little <i>mrr</i> sound and buries his face further into Goro’s neck, apparently falling back asleep. </p><p>Everyone in the room is staring at him. </p><p><b>god has let me live another day:</b> Just.<br/>
<b>god has let me live another day:</b> Leave it on my phone.<br/>
<b>god has let me live another day:</b> Please.<br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> ooooomg<br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> dude<br/>
<b>god has let me live another day:</b> Not a word.<br/>
<b>nyakira:</b> goro akechi secretly a softie confirmed<br/>
<b>god has let me live another day:</b> Stop.<br/>
<b>Walk Walk Fashion Baby:</b> Heheh as if we didn’t already know that!!<br/>
<b>FOR REAL?!:</b> Man but i cant get over how out of character this is<br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> its not<br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> out of character i mean<br/>
<b>hacker voice im gay:</b> i have their living room wiretapped theyre kind of disgustingly sweet<br/>
<b>nyakira:</b> young love. sickening<br/>
<b>god has let me live another day:</b> You all know I was essentially a political hitman. Yet you try my patience so often.<br/>
<b>Walk Walk Fashion Baby:</b> You wouldn’t hurt us!! It would make Yusuke too sad &gt;:]<br/>
<b>god has let me live another day:</b> … </p><p>Goro, pointedly, puts his phone away. The other erstwhile thieves snicker at the group chat for a while longer before settling down. Goro stares resolutely at the screen, but he can’t really focus on the plot of the movie. Yusuke’s mouth is pressed gently against his neck where his sweater rides down to expose the skin, and every direct point of contact between them – that mouth against his neck, Yusuke’s fingers tangled with Goro’s own, gloveless, Yusuke’s ankle brushing Goro’s – feels like a livewire.</p><p>It’s always been like this between them. They’d grown up similarly unheld, taught to see that desire for contact as a weakness, a burden, a distraction. But they’re human, no matter how badly either of them had once wanted to believe otherwise. And Yusuke in his earnestness makes it easy to want to hold, to be held. </p><p>He wants it so openly – even if he doesn’t always know how to ask for it – that Goro can’t feel too much like his vulnerability will be used against him. Not when that vulnerability is so wholly mirrored by Yusuke’s own desperation for closeness. In the beginning Goro had taken solace in the fact that if Yusuke had told anyone of Goro’s weakness it would have exposed his own: mutually assured destruction. He could have this because no one could ever know.</p><p>If the others had seen them then, Goro would have run for the hills. Now, years of therapy later, he only holds Yusuke closer. </p><p>Yusuke finally stirs when the movie ends and Futaba flicks on the light, raising his head and blinking against the sudden brightness. His grip on Goro’s hand tightens for a moment, as if to be certain Goro’s really there. Warmth blooms in Goro’s chest; he squeezes back, gently, looks at Yusuke’s pretty face. Looks and looks and looks. </p><p>“You were really out,” Goro says quietly, for Yusuke’s ears only. </p><p>The others bustle around them, clearing snack wrappers and stray pieces of popcorn off the floor and folding blankets. It feels like there is a little pocket around them, like they’re in their own world even with everyone around.</p><p>Yusuke blinks at him, slow, placid. “Apologies,” Yusuke murmurs. “I haven’t... been sleeping as much as I perhaps should, of late.” </p><p>Goro knocks their foreheads together affectionately. “I know,” he says, “we share a bed. I’m glad you managed to get some rest, though I fear what it will do to your sleep tonight.” </p><p>“Not to worry,” Yusuke says, squeezing his eyes shut as he stretches. “I believe I will fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.” He stands, reaches a hand out to Goro. </p><p>They take the train. Their apartment’s only one stop away from Makoto and Haru’s, so it doesn’t take long to get there, which is good; Goro can tell Yusuke’s barely keeping himself awake, his eyes drifting shut and then flying open again over and over. He grabs Yusuke’s hand and squeezes. Yusuke smiles at him. </p><p>As soon as Goro unlocks the door to their apartment Yusuke’s toeing off his shoes and all but making a run for the bedroom. Goro dallies a bit more – makes himself a cup of tea and drinks it, looks over the latest casefile his supervisor sent him. </p><p>Child advocacy law is exhausting even in the best-case scenario and at a glance it’s clear that this isn’t; this little girl could have been him at age eleven to a T with too few of the details changed. He makes notes for about half an hour and then shuts his laptop, stretches, and pads into the bedroom. </p><p>Yusuke isn’t in bed. He seems to have sat down in front of the vanity to take off his makeup and fallen asleep on his arms. Goro feels a surge of fondness and lets it wash over him, doesn’t even try to push it away. He pulls out the chair and scoops Yusuke into his arms. </p><p>He’s done this many times over the years – Yusuke falls asleep in front of his easel more nights than he actually makes it to the bed – but it never ceases to make Goro feel lightheaded with the responsibility of it. He could do anything, like this, could snap his neck or leave him lying outside in the cold or break all the bones in his precious right hand. </p><p>Yusuke <i>knows</i> he’s capable of all of that and worse, has known this about him all along, and still he lets Goro see him like this, vulnerable, unprotected, without armor. Goro doesn’t know how to <i>be</i> vulnerable, has never learned, but Yusuke shows him every day, without trying.</p><p>Goro could hurt Yusuke in any number of ways, when he’s like this. Instead he bears him to the bed and lays him down gently, presses a kiss to his head, as he does every time. He keeps Yusuke safe, watches his back as he wears his vulnerability like it could be armor itself. His own two awful hands are made lighter every time they smooth his hair away from his eyes. </p><p>Yusuke opens his eyes and blinks blearily at him. “Goro,” he says. </p><p>Goro can’t help it; he surges forward, presses his mouth messily to Yusuke’s. Yusuke makes a surprised noise and melts into it, reaching up to tangle his fingers in Goro’s hair. When Goro pulls back, Yusuke tilts his head, a silent question.</p><p>He breathes out a shuddery sigh, cups Yusuke’s jaw in his hand. “You’re precious to me,” he says after a moment. </p><p>Yusuke smiles at him. “As you are to me.” His voice is low, raspy with drowsiness. The swell of affection threatens to overwhelm Goro. </p><p>He lets go. Yusuke sighs dramatically and waves him off. He puts on his pajamas – Yusuke giggles when he sees they’re the <i>Phoenix Ranger Featherman R</i> set Futaba gave him as a gag gift two Christmases ago – and pads into the bathroom. </p><p>In the bathroom, Goro looks at Futaba’s photo. The look on his face in it, he knows, would have disgusted his eighteen-year-old self. He can only imagine how pathetic this version of him might have seemed – domesticated, waking up and going to work as he always did, coming home and coaxing Yusuke into abandoning his easel for dinner. Falling asleep together, night after night.</p><p>The domesticity of it would have sickened him, then, when all he had to cling to was his rage, his lies. He knows better, now. It’s a sign that he survived what the system and the gods put him through – a sign that they both did, that he can be standing here brushing his teeth in pajamas printed with characters from a children’s show. </p><p>That he can be here at all, that he can be <i>happy</i> to be here. That he can be happy. </p><p>When he returns to their room, Yusuke’s fallen asleep again. Goro crawls into bed next to him, wraps his arms around him, pulls him close to his chest. He presses his face into Yusuke’s hair, breathes in the scent of his coconut shampoo. </p><p>Yusuke sighs in his sleep, and burrows closer to him. </p><p>…</p><p>The next morning, a horrible thought will strike Goro. He will reach over Yusuke’s still-sleeping form and fumble around on the nightstand for his phone, and he will send the following text:</p><p><b>god has let me live another day:</b> Futaba, you have our <i>living room wiretapped?</i></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(edit 11/13 to fix my previously garbage understanding of the yen to usd conversion. makoto isn't bribing futaba with 100 dollars i promise)</p><p>special thanks to sil &amp; hilda &amp; doug for beta-ing this one and cheering me on! love you all!</p><p>i'm on <a href="https://twitter.com/exbeekeeper">twitter</a> also! sometimes i post wips! mostly i can't shut up about yusuke! </p><p>i love comments i print them out and eat them for fuel!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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